38 Quick Assessment Movie Reviews

Ever have one of those days where you watch all the latest trailers and hope against hope for something worth marking your calendar. I had some time to do that today. Here are 38 snap judgement reviews based on their accompanying movie trailers.Can you judge a movie by it’s trailer? I think we have refined our critical skills enough to recognize overproduction over substance along with a host of all sorts of other symptoms of horrible film experiences.

IMO, the criteria for good film is simple. I pay good money to have good experiences, to be inspired, enlightened, engaged,  uplifted and pulled away from my everyday. Most movies fail to do this and lately more than ever. I don’t know if it’s the times or my tastes that are changing.

Themes

1. Hey Jesus Freaks, Hollywood is coming for you. Higher Ground (where’s the emoticon for gag me with a spoon),  Salvation Boulevard, and uplift you with Courageous. These introduce topics long overdue for discussion and I can’t wait to see the dung heaps flying back and forth over it all.

2. Taking on illegal immigration  and 3rd world countries with Better Life, The Harvest, and Amigo. These films are taking on important topics, and showing us things we should probably take a closer look at. However, I can only hold so much guilt, be only so angry and go about my life. Prioritization is difficult but in this economy, I have plenty of challenges for myself, family and community without taking on all of the world’s problems. So these films will likely float at the bottom of the Netflix queue until things are so cheery I need something to bring me down or make me angry.

Movies I’m looking forward to.

Salvation Boulevard – Hollywood attacks Evangelicals with hwilarity

Detective Dee -Crouching Tiger meets Sherlock Holmes. Cliche movements but visually stunning.

Magic Trip – Ken Kesey’s magical bus tour to find a cool place. The lost footage- awesome.

Haywire – Bourne Identity for Girls only better than Salt.

I Don’t Know How She Does It – Sex in the City style with SJP- taking on life as a working mom. Interesting/funny.- worth a gamble?

Pirates! Band of Misfits- A claymation, mild mannered comedy, sans force-fed, laugh tracks. From the people who brought you Chicken Run. Nuff Said.

John Carter- A Disney Flick – hints of The Fall and Prince of Persia + possibly someone’s dream world. Why do we need to see someone else dream on screen- just show me the dream and let it stand for itself. Not interested in watching other dreamers. I go to the movies to become the dreamer.

Cowboys and Aliens- Can you have a more stereotypical Hollywood movie title? I’ll probably regret seeing it, but  I can’t help it.

The Devil’s Double – A based on a true story about Sadam’s murderous son’s reluctant double. Looks good.

Puss in Boots- Antonio Banderas is Zorr-oh I mean Puss in Boots. Hopefully this film has better script than Shrek 3.

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy – Zack and What’s her name make an Orgy-kinda- looks like a whole lot of laughs.

French Movies That Look Awesome

Special Treatment -Aging french prostitute meets therapist. Good times.

The Hedgehog – The lives of a Homely Shrek-like concierge woman and a dysfunctional, well to do family are changed via an intermediary. Fun. Feel Good. Inspirational. Trans formative. When will American Cinema return to serve its patrons the way these films do?

Upcoming Exception: Hugo- Okay- forget what I just said about American cinema. This movie might bring a little fun for everyone.

Point Blank – Man’s wife is kidnapped, man is framed for murder, and he must help someone escape police custody. Sound familiar? It’s in French.

Love Crime – Damages in one movie or less.

Lazy Sunday Movies

Vigilante- Some jack-ass painting over graffitti with wait for it, wait for it, silver paint- thinks it isn’t graffiti. Interesting Social Commentary.

Pearl Jam 20 – Great Band that’s lasted a while. Looks interesting. Background potential to say the least.

Life in a Day – HD mashup of National Geographic+ YouTube that will make us laugh and cry I’m sure.

Chasing Madoff – Required Watching for all you Heroik MBA’s out there.

Suing the Devil- Finally, Satan gets h is day in court- sued for causing all the world’s suffering. Hope he wins. Take some God Damn- Responsibility world!

El Bulli-Cooking in Progress – Documentary about one of the greatest restaurants and chefs in the world. Foodies of the world unite- in line to see it.

Redemption Road – Michael Clark Duncan, Luke Perry, and some other lesser known names in a story about blues and life and getting them right. Interesting.

Jurie’s Still Out

The Change Up – might be good- but not convinced.

Mysteries of Lisbon- can’t tell if it’s going to be a tragedy or not.

The Three Musketeers- How many will they make? Looks a bit over-produced and that is usually the sign of an underwhelming movie, but I could be wrong.

Movies You Can’t Pay Me to Go See- Save Yourself $100, 15 hours+ popcorn and soda money.

The Harvest- guilt trip about migrant farm workers- I have enough guilt already. Pass.

Amigo - American guilt trip from the 19th century- The Phillipines edition. Pass.

Paranormal Activity 3 – Can we get an IQ test or census for the audience here? I’m just curious about the break down.

Apollo 18- Paranormal Activity on the moon. Bad acting as well. Yawn.

The Future- This one might be good or it may inspire you to go home and start cutting yourself. Watching depressed people mope about- save for the cat narration- how is this different?

Glee 3d- I’m not even linking to it. OK Fine here.

Contagion – The latest apocalyptic fear mongering movie that will all keep us out of the airports w/o gloves. Boring old premise- in a movie with a lot of big names.

Project Nim – A horrible story about a chimp raised by humans. I read about this. Not- a happy ending- pass.

Phase 7 - From executive producer of Paranormal Activity – and it shows- not in a good way.

The Dream House- Daniel Craig, 007 himself in a movie reminiscent of The Shining about one or more fathers who killed his entire family. Who needs a new nightmare? Not I. Pass.